Laughing Out Loud

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Mess with seniors and you're guaranteed to lose!

A woman stuck her head into a hair salon and asked, "How long before I can get a wash & curl?" The beautician looked around the salon full of customersand said, "about 2 hours." The woman left.

A few days later, the same woman stuck her head in the door and asked, ' how long before I can get a wash & curl?' The beautician looked around at the salon and said,"about 3 hours." The woman left.

A week later, the same woman stuck her head in the salon and asked, ' How long before I can get a wash & curl?' The beautician looked around the salon and said, "about a hour and a half.' The woman left.

The beautician turned to her girlfriend and said, "Hey Juanita, do me a favor. Follow that woman and see where she goes. She keeps asking how long she has to wait for a wash & curl, but then she doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Juanita returned to the salon, laughing hysterically. The beautician asked, 'So, where does that woman go when she leaves?'
Juanita looked up, wiped the tears from her eyes and said, 'Your man's house!'

lol

"I made my money by selling too soon. "
Bernard Baruch (1870-1965) financier & economist
"If a little money does not go out, great money will not come in."
Confucius (551BC - 479BC) philosopher

"An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. "
Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) author, printer, inventor, diplomat, scientist

"Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it."
Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) cowboy, entertainer, humorist

When asked what the stock market will do, J.P Morgan (1837-1913) (banker, financier, businessman) replied:"It will fluctuate."

"The most valuable things in life are not measured in monetary terms. The really important things are not houses and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real state, but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy, mercy, love and faith."
Bertrand Russell (1872-1970) philosopher & mathematician

"Bulls make money. Bears make money. Pigs get slaughtered."
Anonymous

"Don't try to buy at the bottom and sell at the top. It can't be done except by liars."
Bernard Baruch (1870-1965) financier & economist

Broker: What you become after investing in dot com stocks.
Bull: What comes out of your stockbroker's mouth.

Bear: What your brokerage account becomes after investing in Enron.

Short: What you end up being after shorting stocks in your portfolio.

Bond: A thing you used to have between you and your stockbroker before he lost your money.

Call: What a stockbroker does when he has a hot tip for you.

Tip: What you won't be leaving your waiter, if you invest based on his hot stock ideas.

Over the Counter: Where you'll be getting your food from when you go out to dinner, after losing your money in the stock market.

Volume: What you turn up on the radio when the financial report comes on.

You may as well laugh crying ain't go do us a bit of good.

We are in trouble.

Spread to thin.

Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college
and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first... no peeking, and then scroll down for the response.



Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting, isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Not impressed? Let's try one more time.

You have to answer 5 simple questions:

1) Hundred Years War went on for?
a) 116
b) 99
c) 100
d) 150 years.

2) Panama hat is invented in?
a) Brazil
b) Chile
c) Panama
d) Ecuador

3) The Great October Revolution is celebrated in?
a) January
b) September
c) October
d) November

4) The name of King George VI is?
a) Albert
b) George
c) John
d) Frank

5) The Canary islands get their name from?
a) Canary
b) Kangaroo
c) Seal
d) Rat

If you feel yourself clever, don't laugh. Here is right answers:

1) The Hundred Years War went on for 116 years from 1337 to 1453.
2) Panama hat has invented in Ecuador.
3) The Great October Revolution is celebrated in November.
4) The name of King George VI is Albert. He has changed it in 1936.
5) The Canary Islands get their name from a seal. The Latin name of these islands Insukaria Canaria means island of seals.


Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading... Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs...built the ark. Professionals...built the Titanic.

Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

There was a man who computed his taxes for 2003 and found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:


Enclosed is my 2003 income tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).


This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the Presidential Election Fund, as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)


It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and screwdrivers.

Sincerely,
Robbed Everyear

Investment Advice

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock few years ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

A new teacher was getting to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father did for a living.

The first little girl said: “My name is Mary and my Daddy is a postman.”

The next child, a little boy said: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”

And so it went until one little boy said: “My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease artist in a gay club.”

The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject. Later, in the school yard, the teacher

approached Little Johnny privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar.

Little Johnny blushed and said, “No, he’s really a Business Development Director at Lehmaan Brothers, but I’m just too embarrassed to tell anyone.”

Yep I'm having fun in the house it's cold outside!

Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 Million to pose nude
in the March issue.

UGH!!!!!!! All those stretch marks?

UrRight wrote:

UGH!!!!!!! All those stretch marks?

Airbrush works wonder


No picture in any porn book is unaltered these days

They are usually airbrushed or photoshopped now