Borderline jokes

This:

Quote :

have you slept with a stiff?

Reminded me of a joke;
What's the difference between light and hard?






You can sleep with a light on.

:rolfcry:

sadly told the little lady that joke and had to explain it

:hehehe:

tater wrote:

sadly told the little lady that joke and had to explain it

:inq:

tater wrote:

sadly told the little lady that joke and had to explain it

:dyno:

Good one

What's the difference between a tribe of clever pygmies and a women's track team?
One is a bunch of cunning runts ...

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. IT ALL GOES TO THE SAME PLACE ANYWAY.

3.FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. EVEN GEORGE
WASHINGTON DID THIS! REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4.A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6.YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

BigWhiteGuy wrote:

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. IT ALL GOES TO THE SAME PLACE ANYWAY.

3.FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. EVEN GEORGE
WASHINGTON DID THIS! REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4.A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6.YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Nice on BWG

party42 wrote:

Nothing personal Party...you were the first female I thought of on the boards. That should count for something!?

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a
truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story
window 100 yards away.

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super
Bowl
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You are
not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last
week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, " I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !"

LOL Happy Jack

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.


After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.



He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.



Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD

Ohhhhh this is priceless!!!!!
================



An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
From his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
Well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
Hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.




An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Yeah. Funny.

I kid you not... New Wine for Seniors


California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
------------------
sorry, I just couldn't resist!







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That was good Party

This actually makes some sense!!!!





THIS IS THE BEST EXPLANATION I'VE SEEN YET.



SCROLL DOWN THE PAGE.......






"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and
Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America
by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on
prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only
businesses still in the US .



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HELL! your lucky to keep it in an American bank!!

party42 wrote:

We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America
by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on
prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only
businesses still in the US .

The money still wouldn't stay in the US if the people who you bought stuff from at a yard sale, went to Walmart to spend it.

Baseball game more than likely will be going to a foreign born player, thus again leaving the country

Prostitutes may keep it in the US, but again, if they go to Walmart to spend it, it leaves the country

Tattoo's may keep it in the country, if the ink is from the US, otherwise you may be supporting Brazil or Peru(whose exports include tattoo ink)