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 Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates

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Artie60438

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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   9/24/2012, 9:50 pm

The Chronicles of Mitt: Sept 24, 2012
Quote :
Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

I have been pondering at some length on the subject of airplanes and airplane-related accessories, of late. Ann had a bit of a bad run-in on an aircraft the other day, which had to land early due to an unapproved fire event, and she was telling me at length about how unpleasant it was. Certainly, the plane was able to land safely and there were no injuries, but it still made for an uncomfortable experience. It led me to wonder: Why do air travel companies make in-flight fires such unpleasant episodes?

The main problem seems to be oxygen. My first thought was that the airlines could at least allow travelers to roll down the windows, thus allowing them a bit of fresh air during an in-flight fire, but I am reminded that there is a considerable flaw with that plan: The little knobs required to roll down each window by hand would probably cost in excess of three dollars per window, money which could no doubt be better used for shareholder dividends. Commercial aircraft are required to provide oxygen masks to their passengers already, but that solution seems to be the stuff of pure socialism; apparently all passengers receive the same amount of oxygen, during an emergency, but should not the more wealthy passengers receive more oxygen than the others? They are job creators, after all, and job creation cannot happen if they have been rendered unconscious. (Technically, I suppose consciousness does not necessarily affect the portfolios of the wealthy one way or the other, but it is impolite to say that.) You would have to have the machinery know the relative levels of each passenger, however, which would be complicated—but that, in turn, leads to the question of why oxygen would be provided for free at all, during an emergency, when it stands to reason that episodes of low oxygen availability would be the best time of all to be selling oxygen, according to free market principles. Perhaps a card-swipe device in front of each seat could allow each passenger to purchase oxygen for themselves. (And after purchasing it for themselves, purchasing additional oxygen for family members if desired?)

Using credit cards for such things still seems a bit lower class, but then I pondered further. Surely, the true market price of oxygen cannot be arrived at unless oxygen derivatives trading is allowed. You might, for example, agree to purchase the oxygen supply for a given flight—slightly more appropriate—or, better still, invest in a contract speculating on the future third-party purchases of oxygen for future flights, bundled together, which can then be sold in a larger bundle to institutional investors. Once those derivative markets have been firmly established, it hardly seems worthwhile to transport the actual oxygen around at all, since the trades can of course far better be done electronically. Removing the oxygen tanks would save the airlines considerable cost as well, especially considering all the other related equipment (tubing, masks, credit-card equipment) that could also be removed, all of which could then at least be sold for simple scrap value. The end result would be a near-perfect market, requiring the transport of no goods and the manufacture of no products: a market consisting purely of financial transactions.

What was I speaking of, Mr. Diary? Ah—my wife's recent unpleasant event. I think in the future I will make sure that the first-class passengers at least have access to more oxygen than the other passengers, before agreeing to any flight, but I shall have to remind myself to look into the rest of it after these elections are over.
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   9/29/2012, 4:20 pm

Spet 28th
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Hello, human diary. It is I, Mitt Romney, your better.

Happily, it is now the weekend. After another busy day of fundraising meals (I do not believe I will ever be able to eat another jumbo shrimp again, Mr. Diary) I will now spend the next several days practicing my skills of debate. I have been practicing quite a bit of late. The primary debates were simple enough affairs, as I could generally rely on other candidates to do nearly all of the speaking, but in debates between only two people it is expected that each of us will speak for a roughly equal amount of time.

As it turns out, this is a difficult thing to prepare for. While I have purchased several stacks of index cards for the occasion, there are only so many ways one can phrase "I believe I should pay fewer taxes," and it will be a trick to not exhaust them all within the first few minutes. I can pad it out a bit by suggesting various ways other wealth units should pay fewer taxes, and still further with various demands that large corporations pay less taxes, but after that I am at a bit of a loss. Are there other entities that should pay fewer taxes? My foreign policy staff is quite concerned with Israel, perhaps I can suggest that Israel pay fewer taxes.

I also plan to spend as much time as possible pointing out that the economy has not yet fully recovered from the deplorable circumstances it was left in by the last Republican president, and that my opponent deserves a great deal of blame for not being able to fix things more promptly. This should help the citizenry understand the wisdom of electing a new Republican president, one who properly understands the urgency of ensuring that I, Mitt Romney, pay fewer taxes.
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   10/1/2012, 8:17 pm

October 1
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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

I do not have time to write today, I am busy preparing for the upcoming debate. I have been instructed to come up with a variety of witticisms so that I may demonstrate my obvious superiority to the audience. My staff has been telling the press units that I have been practicing a variety of zinged statements for many months now, but in truth we have found very few. I think we have used up all possible material on who did or did not build things, for example. Goodbye for now, Mr. Diary, I must engage in some brained storming now.

Possible zinged statements

I know you are, Mr. Obama, but you have not yet told me the nature of my own characteristics.

I have had many past business experiences, which you would know if I had allowed you to examine my tax returns.

I would like to point to one of our best business accomplishments, Staples (hold off on this one)

Mr. Obama, I know money. Money has been a constant acquaintance of mine. You are not money.

As governor of Massachusetts a certain state, I assisted the commoners in obtaining better health insurance did nothing that I can currently remember.

As president, I promise America that I will never let any dogs out.

You are too inexperienced to be president, Mr. President. I think I should be president instead.

As the cow said, show me the moo-ney. Tagg wants me to say this one

I do not know who Paul Ryan is. You are stupid for saying that name. You should not be stupid.

I only invested in that aborted fetus disposal company so that I could gain monetary advantage from it because Ronald Reagan.

I am like Reagan, except that I am alive and he is not for various reasons.

One of my horses was in the Olympics. You have no horses in the Olympics. You do not know how to run a business involving horses and the Olympics.

I have more money than you.

I believe all Americans who own sport teams should pay fewer taxes.

You are a jerk.

This is hard.

I will pay you ten thousand dollars to be quiet right now and let me win. (this is good, go with this one?)
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   10/9/2012, 11:27 am

Oct 8
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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

Today I gave a major speech on what my foreign policy would be, if I had one. I do not know what was in it; all I was required to do was read the statement prepared for me by my foreign policy advisers. I do not like meeting with that group—they are odd individuals, and tend towards whispered discussions and inappropriate humors—so I had a lower member of the staff obtain the speech from them. The papers smell strongly of cigar smoke and beef jerky.

My staff had to cut much of their proposed language out, mostly a large number of paragraphs explaining which nations can go to hell and what efforts I would undertake as president in order to send them there. Eric F. said that commoner units do not like sending more than one or two other nations to hell at once, as the implementation of such poses considerable burdens on the commoner class, and that we should therefore pare the list considerably for now. (There was also a full three pages of language about how Russia and China could perform a specific bodily function on themselves, all of which needed to be cut due to broadcast decency rulings.) The foreign policy team was apparently quite chagrined, but I had word sent to them that we could add the other language back in once I was safely elected.

Fallout from the Big Bird incident continues. On advice of staff, I have declined to participate further in something called the Nickelodeon "Kids Pick The President" special. Apparently I had been expected to answer questions posed to me by small children, but after promising to fire the large television bird my staff judged that too many of the questions from that demographic would likely be hostile. Apparently all other presidential candidates have participated in this event over the years, but all other presidential candidates have also released multiple years of tax returns as well—I do not think our campaign needs to be unduly burdened by such traditions.

It is a shame, because the network is named after money, or after a machine in which people deposit money, and so I had felt an immediate kinship. (I also am constantly surrounded by child units, although my versions are of more appropriate wealth). I am not, however, willing to risk taking questions from young children in public. There are too many dangers involved.

My experiment in forgoing all sleep has been terminated. Over the weekend my staff explained to me that I had indeed been sleeping each night, but that I was simply not aware of it because I was not conscious at the time.
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   10/9/2012, 10:07 pm

Oct 9
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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

Today was another day on Mr. Bus. (I have decided to call this bus Mr. Bus, because even though it is not the original Mr. Bus, it is a good enough bus, and there are only so many names for things that can be thought up, after all.)

Today for nourishment we stopped Mr. Bus at a roadside Wendy's. It was a pleasant enough experience, except that the reporter units wanted to discuss the latest polling numbers with me. I explained to them that this is a Wendy's, and everybody knows you do not discuss polling numbers while at Wendy's! These people have no sense of etiquette at all.

I have had to do a lot of explaining lately, and I am getting a bit tired of it. I am beginning to think the commoners are even duller than I had feared. I had to explain that my health care plan does indeed cover people with preexisting conditions, in that if you already have your preexisting condition covered, I will not stop you from having that. I have had to explain that my tax cuts to my fellow wealth units will be paid for by all the jobs they will likely create with their extra money. I have had to explain that I have indeed had a foreign policy all along, and I have just never mentioned it before because it was not important. I have had to explain that the polls have not shown me leading my opponent because those polls are misguided, unless they do show me leading, in which case they are not misguided.

All of these seem simple enough concepts, I do not know why they need to be repeated so often.

While at Wendy's I obtained a photograph of myself with the Wendy's staff. This will hopefully demonstrate to the commoners that I can be in close proximity to them without firing them, thus further increasing my perceived likability.
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   10/12/2012, 9:42 pm

Oct 12
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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

The debate last night was a frightening experience. Truly, this Biden fellow is a madman—or a warlock? I do not know what "malarkey" is but it sounded extremely sinister. He told Mini-Mitt that he was not similar to Jack Kennedy. He absconded with Mr. Ryan's religion and claimed it as his own. He repeatedly referred to Mr. Ryan as a "congressman," despite our negotiated agreement that he was not allowed to do that. At one point immediately after the close of the debate I was briefly concerned that Biden had even physically shrunk Mr. Ryan in his chair, but it turned out to merely be an appearance by Mr. Ryan's young son, Garbanzo.

I called Mini-Mitt to congratulate him for having survived the ordeal, but otherwise, I think it best to never mention this incident again.
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   10/15/2012, 10:06 pm

Oct 15
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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

I am currently preparing for tomorrow night's debate. As I understand it, the premise of this debate is that the commoners themselves will ask questions of me. This seems highly irregular (typically, the proper response to commoners asking questions is to summon security), but seems to be an expected part of the process. No matter; I still have a great many zinged statements that I did not get to use during the previous debate, most of which can be repurposed towards commoners if need be. I have found commoners to be no brighter than press units, in general: As experiment, I have been alternately promising to cut all taxes and promising that taxes will not be cut, depending on who is asking, and as far as I can discern there is not one person in the nation who has noticed the contradiction.

Speaking of commoners, Mini-Mitt told me that he had recently volunteered at a kitchen for soups. He said it was very arduous work, and that even the clean dishes there were very dirty, forcing him to wash them again because, he said, commoners are well known for not being very good at washing things. This is curious, as I have generally found cleaning things (dishes, cars, houses and the like) to be one of the few things commoners are successful at. (Commoners excel at yard work—I cannot stress enough how very much they seem to enjoy such tasks.) Perhaps there is opportunity here to bring up my tax plan again? If we reduce taxes on wealthy Americans, wealthy Americans will be able to acquire more things; they will then be obliged to hire commoners to come clean those additional things, which will create more commoner jobs in the field of cleaning things. Yes, I will definitely have to remember that for tomorrow night.

I do not have much else to report, Mr. Diary. I have been feeling better about the campaign of late, primarily because I have had to do very little actual campaigning. Most of my time is spent now in fundraisers, which are far more enjoyable than giving speeches to commoners. The enjoyable part about fundraisers is that individuals are assigned seats strictly in accordance with their wealth, with more financially successful individuals nearer the front and lesser wealth units towards the back, in table-by-table gradations. This immediately makes clear who ought to be paid attention to, and in what proportions. It is simple, straightforward and effective. If only the rest of this silly process could be as efficient!
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   10/18/2012, 9:26 pm

Oct 18
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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

I am very angry with my advisers today, Mr. Diary. Turning on the television today, I have heard nothing but my staff, surrogates, and assorted other hangers-on discussing my opinions on various issues. Ed G. apparently told the press I did not support a certain bill regarding wages for females. He then stated I did support it. Then another staff member said I mostly did, but partly did not. Then someone else said I did not, but that I supported the principle of it, or at least the part of the principle that I did support but not the part that I did not support. This is why I do not watch the television very often.

I finally could take no more of it, and summoned my staff and advisers for an urgent conference call, which I used to angrily demand members of my campaign stop claiming to the press that I had opinions on various important issues facing the nation. I do not have opinions on various important issues facing the nation, I am running for office for Pete's sake.

I do not remember ever expressing an opinion on any issue, I reminded them, other than wealthy Americans like myself deserve a large tax cut. And by tax cut, I currently mean that it would not be a tax cut, but merely an adjustment of the rates of various taxes in such a way as to achieve no actual tax cut, unless by coincidence a wealthy American happened to have most of their income invested in the various places that I intend to cut taxes. So it is not even accurate to say that I support lowering taxes, because I do not, I merely favor a multivectored tax adjustment that will accomplish nothing in particular. I then sent my staff out with the instruction that my opinion on very large tax cuts that will not cut taxes is the only issue that they may state I have an opinion on.

I am beginning to fear all of these people are as dull as the commoners are. It is true that none of them are as wealthy as I am, but still—many of them are at least slightly wealthy. One would think they would be able to keep track of these things.
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   10/24/2012, 8:43 pm

Oct 24
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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

Today another stupid candidate for something said something stupid and I was asked whether or not I still endorsed that candidate even though they were stupid. I do not remember which one.

I told my campaign to tell the press that of course we still endorsed that person, and to say it was because of some principle. In truth, it is simply the most expedient approach. We do not have time to look through all of the candidates we have endorsed to determine whether or not they are stupid. It takes a large amount of effort just to keep my vice presidential unit from saying something stupid; there is no time left for making sure other candidates are not saying stupid things. I am running for office, for Pete's sake.
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   10/25/2012, 7:24 pm

Oct 25
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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

The campaign drags on. Today I visited an aircraft hanger, and also my aircraft. That is all I have to report. From the news footage, it appears that my opponent voted today. My staff believes he voted for himself.

I have not yet decided who I will vote for. Throughout the primary campaign I have assumed that, when the time came, I would vote for myself; now that we are at the general election I am not so sure. It feels an unnervingly definite position to take. What if potential voters object? What if my opponent uses my pro-self policy against me? If nothing else, voting for myself seems to be the sort of thing that could be used against me in future elections.

This is a difficult decision. I asked my staff to prepare policy options on the subject. While they said they would comply, Eric F. seemed very agitated by the prospect, and put both hands to his face while we were discussing it. When I asked him later about his reaction he said he was just thinking about something else
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   10/26/2012, 9:04 pm

Oct 26
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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

Today I gave a speech in Iowa outlining my vision for the economy. I said I thought the economy should be good. I was also asked by my staff whether or not I wanted that fellow with the rather colorful opinions on rape to stop mentioning that I had endorsed him. I told them that I did not think our campaign should take a position on that.

In more satisfying news, I have informed the staff that since there is so little time left until the election, the press units are now unnecessary. They can continue to follow me if they like, but there is no more need for me to grant interviews or answer their questions. (I did not answer many of their questions before, Mr. Diary, but I believe we are safely to the point where there is no point in me listening to them ask those questions, either).

Their questions have always been irritating. Whether I become president of this nation or not, I am glad that I will never again have to answer any of them.
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   10/29/2012, 8:55 pm

Oct 29
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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

I have good news to report, Mr. Diary! Several days ago I had dispatched my primary offspring, Tagg, for a bus tour of various locations. This morning, he sent me a photograph via his telephone. It was of the undercarriage of the bus he was riding in. Though dirty, two words could be clearly seen painted on said undercarriage, in large, orange letters: TAGG ROCKS.

Tagg has found my original campaign bus! Mr. Bus has returned to us!

I was so happy that I declared to my staff that I would be taking the rest of the day off. They initially objected, but soon decided that they could assert that I was canceling those events because of the current hurricane. I quickly sent one of my staffers to meet Mr. Bus, and instructed him to remain with Mr. Bus for the remainder of the campaign. I informed him that if Mr. Bus is misplaced again, he shall be fired many, many times.

Eric F. was I believe surprised at my preoccupation with the rediscovery of Mr. Bus, but soon came up with a clever idea. We shall load up Mr. Bus with canned foods and other provisions that commoners in the path of the hurricane may desire, and then we shall send Mr. Bus to deliver those provisions to them after the hurricane is safely over. This will demonstrate to the commoners that I have both compassion and access to a large bus, both of which I believe will impress them. We have sent word to my supporters that we will be collecting those items at an assortment of campaign locations. (While I could easily pay for such aid myself, I believe commoners should largely take the initiative in helping other commoners, and I did not become wealthy by buying foodstuffs for commoners.)

I believe this may be my most successful demonstration of compassion yet. When all hope is lost, and these commoners find their lives in ruin, their yards rendered unkempt and their housekeeping staff unable to commute so as to perform their scheduled duties, from over a nearby hilltop shall come Mr. Bus, with my name prominently dis
played on every side, and shall deliver to them creamed corn and possibly some beans.
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   10/30/2012, 8:47 pm

Oct 30
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Hello, human diary. It is I, Mitt Romney, your better.

I was too distracted to campaign today. Instead, I flew to Ohio to finally reunite with Mr. Bus. He is just as I remember! The strong smell of diesel reminds me of job creating, or the smell of the large trucks that carry old equipment out of factories that need to be moved to China. It is a good smell. Unfortunately, we had to eventually turn off the engine as we were parked and some members of the staff began to complain of lightheadedness. I am beginning to suspect they do not appreciate job creators as much as they have previously claimed.

In order to justify visiting Mr. Bus instead of campaigning, I made an appearance at our Ohio campaign rally to acquire various foodstuffs for hurricane victims. The plan is still to use Mr. Bus to deliver these supplies to the commoners of hurricane-affected states. After seeing the damage on the television, it occurs to me that one bus filled with canned foods may not be enough. Still, I am loathe to expand the effort. While it is possible we could rent other vehicles in order to transport more canned items, there is no time left between now and the election to have my name painted on the side of those other vehicles, and so the commoners would not know who was helping them by transporting those goods.

Some reporters tried to ask me questions today, even though I have made it quite clear that I have already answered the right number of questions during this campaign and would not be answering any others. As retaliation, I instructed the staff to wait until the campaign event was over, then throw cans of food at them. It is going to be quite uproarious.

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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   10/31/2012, 10:30 pm

Oct 31
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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

I am currently in Florida. I said farewell to Mr. Bus for now and am campaigning again. I am not sure if Mr. Bus will be driving our canned food and other products directly to endampened commoners, or will instead merely be placing those foodstuffs in the hands of the Red Cross, who after some badgering agreed to take it. The more I have thought on it, the less eager I am to have Mr. Bus visiting areas of the nation that have been damaged by hurricane, at least not until they are tidied up a bit.

I was quite angry with my campaign staff this morning, Mr. Diary. They informed me that since they did not know whether commoners would deliver sufficient canned goods for my photographic opportunity yesterday, they had previously gone out and purchased $5,000 worth of those goods for strategic photographic placement. This was clearly contrary to my understanding of the situation—I had been told it was to be commoners donating goods on our behalf, not me donating goods myself. I was extremely angry until my staff explained that since the goods were purchased for a campaign photographic opportunity, it would be paid for by that campaign.

That is a bit better, although still irritating; most of my campaign money has been collected from American wealth units, and I do not think many of these wealth units would be pleased if they knew their donated money was going to purchase foodstuffs for commoners. Condemning the taking of money from wealth units in order to feed commoners has been the singular message of my campaign, after all.

Ah well. I suppose in the last days of campaigning, these policies will need constant adjustment.

Other than that things have been uneventful. I continue to happily ignore the reporters. Oh, and I am a bit irritated with Chris Christie at the moment because he has apparently been talking with my opponent in the wake of this hurricane business, but I have been irritated with Chris Christie for some time now, so that is not really news.
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   11/1/2012, 8:15 pm

Nov 1
Quote :
Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

It is now November, at long last, and so there are now only a few days left until the election. How this time did not fly! I am still hurriedly traversing the nation, or at least I am traversing several states, speaking to commoners about how I know what is best for them and will tell them what that is after they have elected me. Technically, I am currently only traversing Virginia today, but Virginia is a surprisingly large state.

To be honest, campaigning at this late stage seems rather pointless—I have already said all of the various things I had planned to say, and I stopped asserting opinions on most things quite some time ago, even before the primaries had ended—but it is important to keep up appearances. As compromise, I have at least convinced the staff to schedule the last campaign events as close to my own house as possible.

In one final effort to remind commoners of the wholesome and traditional family values that I might stand for, for one of our final events the staff has scheduled a musical group known as "Kid Rock." That should be quite pleasant and entertaining, as children these days do like to rock. Yesterday I made sure my staff collected some of their own children's Halloween candies so that we could give them to the rocking children; it is part of my new post-hurricane strategy of giving foods to commoners so long as I do not have to pay for them.
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   11/3/2012, 6:08 pm

Nov 3
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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

It is the closing days of the campaign. I have been contemplating many things, of late, and have been remembering all of the fine humans I have met during this long, long process.

There was that woman from that state, the one who owned a business of some sort. And the farmer who lived in a toroidal house, and who during the recent drought was forced to subsist almost entirely on the earnings from his convention center. There was the coal mine owner who shut down his mine for the day so that I would be able to have a photographic opportunity on stage with some of his mining equipment. There was Donald Trump, who always had a certain smell to him, and the people with the disappointing baked goods, and the people who sought shelter from the rain by wearing large garbage bags. There was my vice presidential unit, who I continue to occasionally meet with every once in a while. Also, Newt Gingrich.

It is difficult to say whether or not I will win this election. I have tried my best to state that my policies would indeed help commoners, and have even on occasion hypothesized as to what those policies might be. I have made fun of the ocean, and have praised many foodstuffs. I am the right height. And I have brought together all the wealth units in this great nation of ours, who are unanimous in their opinions that they each ought to pay substantially less taxes, and that the businesses they own or own large amounts of stock in should also pay substantially less taxes, and that I, personally, should pay less in taxes.

I do not think my opponent truly understands all of these various humans that I have met. I know he does not, because if he did he would understand that, since I have more money than he does, he should have already conceded to me. Nevertheless, I remain confident that, if I do win this election, I shall be able to work together with all of these wealth units and commoner units, whether they be from my party or the other party, whether they be in states with correctly sized trees or incorrectly sized tries, in order to ensure that we all come together for that higher goal, that most basic foundational principle of this great nation, which is that wealthy people ought to pay substantially less in taxes.

I shall not back down in these closing days, and I remain resolute that I shall not express opinions on any of these things if anyone asks about them.
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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   11/5/2012, 7:40 pm

Nov 5
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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

Today is the final day before the election. During my daily meeting with my campaign staff, they proclaimed themselves confident that I would win all of the states, or at least all of them except for a few particularly irredeemable ones. Nevertheless, there is still a sense of unease. The recent hurricane has distracted from my singular campaign message, which is that wealthy Americans such as myself ought to be paying less in taxes, and that as president I shall make sure that wealth units like myself pay less in taxes, except that I shall also adjust things so that each pays the same amount of taxes as before, and that Italians are coming to this nation to move automotive jobs to China, which I know because even though the automotive companies deny it, I am an expert on what sorts of things ought to be moved to China.

My campaign today will be traveling from Florida to Virginia to Ohio. I was not originally planning to visit Ohio again, as my campaign has decided I do not like them anymore, but I insisted that if I was going to be doing so much traveling to those other states than the least we could do is make a brief stop to visit with Mr. Bus once again. (I hope carrying various foodstuffs for the hurricane-enmoistened commoners did not dent or damage him. I will have that staffer's head, if Mr. Bus has gotten dented or damaged.) Then it is on to New Hampshire for the evening concert with the rocking children.

As for tomorrow, I had planned to spend the better part of tomorrow savoring my victory, but the staff has evidently scheduled still more campaign appearances. Apparently these commoners need constant encouragement if they are to vote for me. When I am president, one of my first actions after adjusting the tax rates for wealthy Americans will be to form a committee to establish the best ways of further discouraging these commoners from voting. To be blunt, their minds are too scattered for it. It requires too many individual campaign events and rallies, and it could all be done far more efficiently by merely allowing only wealth units to vote, then bundling the votes from wealth units into leveraged products that would represent all the other votes. Then financial companies could purchase and sell those packages of votes, which would be quite profitable. (If my past businesses experiences have taught me anything, Mr. Diary, it is that there is very little that cannot be made more profitable by removing commoners from the process.)

I suppose that is neither here nor there for the moment, Mr. Diary. That is all for now; I shall write in you more later. With luck, when next we meet I shall have become the next president of this great, though commoner-riddled, nation.
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Artie60438

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PostSubject: Re: Mitt Romney's Human Diary w/ Daily Updates   11/8/2012, 9:15 pm

Nov 8
Quote :
Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

It seems that the nation has once again failed me. My staff and I had a final meeting, during which I canceled all of their remaining credit cards and we discussed what could have gone wrong. I must confess this result has taken us all by surprise.

Eric F. opined that the most likely reason for our loss was Hurricane Sandy. Tropical storms of that nature are invariably given women's names, and the constant repetition of a female name in the closing days of the campaign likely emasculated much of our base.

We also did not account for the vote suppression efforts of the other side. We had rallied the votes of nearly every wealth unit in this country; during election day, however, the other side engaged in nationwide efforts to water those votes down by including the votes of other citizens as well. The efforts of many state governors to curtail such rampant voting by commoners were valiant, but in hindsight even those were of insufficient size.

The polling firms that we had relied on were also to blame. We chose which polling units to listen to based on which ones were delivering the most pleasant sounding results; that is, which ones were including as many Republican voters as possible. We naturally assumed that those polling firms would continue including those Republican votes on election day as well, but apparently the final election day tallies are done as a separate effort managed by the government, and the polling firms claimed that despite their objections, they were not properly allowed to include their own polling estimations in the final electoral count. This is clearly another situation in which government regulation has shamelessly intruded into what could better have been done by the private sector, but still—the polling firms should have explained this discrepancy much sooner, so that we could have prepared for it.

In the end, however, there can be only one true reason for our insufficiently sized victory, and it is one that has been omnipresent in all of these races. America continues to be prejudiced against wealthy people.

Certainly, wealth units have ample access to Congress, and to all state and local governments as well. The Supreme Court does an admirable job of respecting the wealthy; the court instituted an unambiguous personhood policy for corporations long before such a thing was ever contemplated for fetal units. (Indeed, to their credit, the court recognized the personhood of corporate Americans many decades before the personhood of female units had been established.) Still, on many of America's more narrow, less well paved streets and within the confines of its many non-luxury buses, the old bigotries remain.

I have tried my best to speak to the concerns of wealth units. I have accepted as much of their money as current law would allow. I have met with them in their homes, and on their boats, and in their summer homes, and I have dined with them and invited their mining equipment to join me onstage for photographic opportunities. I have attempted to explain to commoners the great injustice of suggesting that wealth units pay at least the same percentage of their taxes as commoner units, even though wealth units are clearly both intellectually superior and, due to the necessity of keeping track of so many more homes and boats and airplanes, much harder workers. In the end, however, the commoners would not listen, because the commoners are too dimwitted to truly grasp these things. Even Mr. Trump, who we partnered with because of his years of experience in speaking to less wealthy, more dimwitted people, could not adequately make them understand.

I am contemplating now what to do next. I must first form an opinion as to whether or not I am disappointed about my election loss. Eric F. says that an expression of disappointment is commonplace, but it seems to me a rather bold stance for a candidate to take. I expressed some disappointment during my concessionary speech, but will withhold further emotional displays until I have analyzed the potential electoral impact to future campaigns.

As my last act as candidate, I have informed the staff, whom I am no longer paying, that they are to deliver Mr. Bus to my California home. I have placed a call to my home remodeling lobbyist informing him that the car elevator project is back on, but that we will need to alter the planned size of it considerably.

And it will need to be the right height.
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